i have no balls when it comes up with confessing/talking out my feelings. i'm the type to hold everything in and to never let it out especially towards the person therefore having to rely on talking about them behind their backs so to say. i can't get over myself and allow myself to be a friend.
when i was a child, i had a best friend who used me. she'd steal my toys and lied to me about it. i was an awkward child who always felt like a weirdo. i didn't know how to act towards other people. i was a nerd. i'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me out there but just to understand that i'm still that weird kid who has horrible social skills. i just feel so abused from people that it's hard to do this friendship crap. i just really miss having someone to open up to without feeling judged or get put down for anything i have to say. that's why i spend so much of my time solely on steven. he takes in all my awkwardness and he listens (but still judges when i tell him not to).
i fear for the worst and i think it might come true. i'm nervous and scared. i'm going to the doctor on friday to find out. i hate looking up symptoms on the internet because i always think the worst. ugh, i don't think i can take it if i do find out what's wrong with me. i'm just worrying myself too much but still. wish me luck.