& so it begins

8/1/09 - 9/1/09 9/1/09 - 10/1/09 10/1/09 - 11/1/09 11/1/09 - 12/1/09 12/1/09 - 1/1/10 1/1/10 - 2/1/10 2/1/10 - 3/1/10 3/1/10 - 4/1/10 4/1/10 - 5/1/10 5/1/10 - 6/1/10 6/1/10 - 7/1/10 7/1/10 - 8/1/10 8/1/10 - 9/1/10 9/1/10 - 10/1/10 10/1/10 - 11/1/10 11/1/10 - 12/1/10 12/1/10 - 1/1/11 1/1/11 - 2/1/11 2/1/11 - 3/1/11 3/1/11 - 4/1/11 4/1/11 - 5/1/11 5/1/11 - 6/1/11 6/1/11 - 7/1/11 7/1/11 - 8/1/11 8/1/11 - 9/1/11 9/1/11 - 10/1/11 10/1/11 - 11/1/11 11/1/11 - 12/1/11 12/1/11 - 1/1/12 1/1/12 - 2/1/12 2/1/12 - 3/1/12 6/1/12 - 7/1/12 7/1/12 - 8/1/12 8/1/12 - 9/1/12 9/1/12 - 10/1/12 10/1/12 - 11/1/12 6/1/13 - 7/1/13 7/1/13 - 8/1/13 8/1/13 - 9/1/13 9/1/13 - 10/1/13 12/1/13 - 1/1/14 1/1/14 - 2/1/14 2/1/14 - 3/1/14 3/1/14 - 4/1/14 4/1/14 - 5/1/14

my favorite month. the middle of summer. BIRTHDAY TIME. my 5 year anniversary celebration. HOT days. ahhhhhhh, i'm excited. the suspense and anticipation of waiting to legally do everything in vegas is finally coming to the end. the great part about me turning 21 is that everyone else i love dear is already 21 so no hassle there! yaaaay!

PS after so many years of not going to the public library in my city, i've finally gone. i have lost my library card so i was asked to get it renewed but then i haven't used it for so long that i wasn't even in the records. thus i have a brand new library card! free of charge, woo hoo! i have always been a book nerd (i looked like one too back in the days, no lie. maybe i'll post up a picture). i love reading. it's the imagination/artsy side of me. :]

it's late. i have a long wonderful day tomorrow full of plans:
-mall with grace to find a bomb ass birthday dress
-D&B with grace and ernesto plus stevennnn!

PS my mom has been moving her right leg and she's been talking more. more like wanting to yell at me and getting frustrated with me but that's okay :] she's being more active!
i lied about not being addicting to shopping anymore. i have awaken the beast. also, it's BIRTH MONTH JULY. i need to buy my vegas outfits even though everyone's flaking the trip. most of it is bullshit but whatever, i'm gonna have fun so fuck it.

i want to express a lot right now but i've grown tired of repeating myself. so fuck off and have a bad night :]


i'm becoming addicted to work. i'm not even tired of working. all i want to do is work. i lost my addiction to shopping. it's sad. i went shopping today after how many weeks of not shopping and it's not the same. i just bought things to just buy.

i'm also addicted to reading haha i'm sucha book nerd. i'm gonna go to the library and borrow books. i haven't been to the public library in a long time. hmph it'll be nice and weeeeird.
i don't have a clear mindset what i want to write in here so no clever title.

i was glad to have gone to the beach last week even though the weather site predicted cold weather. it was actually nice and hot that i had the courage to jump into the water. i was also glad to have friends to come along on my planned beach trip. i hate planning things which is pretty funny because i always thought wedding planning would be fun.

i like laying here in my boyfriend's bed as he's fast asleep. it makes me feel safe and comfortable with no worry in the world. i should be at the hospital stressing for my mother's health to get better. she was moved out of the icu thankfully but hasn't been able to talk yet :T

i'm working myself crazy as well lol i don't know why because i'm not worried about money (well maybe a little once my mother is back to normal) i just don't want so much free time. i feel like work will fill my void. my days off will probably be wednesday and thursday. maybe not thursday we'll see.

i plan to keep a hand written little notebook to keep my mind straight. to help me remember things. i've been very forgetful. also to keep track what i need to purchase haha! and to keep in mind plans for the summer.

i don't want to try anymore with people. i'm content on being nice when is needed at the moment but i won't put effort in friendship. i'm tired, you see. i'm tired of being pushed around. i'm tired of being there to listen to your problems. i'm tired to not be able to be frank about who you are as a person because i just want to be nice to you. i enjoy the friendships i have because they don't put up a fake front. i will only talk to you if i need to but don't expect it to not be awkward.

it's disgusting how persistent guys will be to get into your pants. a coworker has been told by MANY other coworkers how unavailable i am and yet he continued his mission to get my number. no never hell no. one of my coworkers said i should take it as a compliment but i don't. i have a good enough self esteem to know that guys will easily hit on me. stupid girl. just because you're not as attractive (don't want to be mean). haha oh well.

there's nothing else to be said except my birthday is coming up! and my FIVE year anniversary is coming up!

i got color contacts after all this time. it was only 9 bucks. they make my eyes huge!

good morning world. i haven't slept since 11am. i can't sleep now. i don't know what's wrong with me. i got in a big argument with steven today over something so small but that's just me. this fight hit me hard physically though. i couldn't breath after screaming at the top of my lungs and my chest hurt. i was a bit shaken up.

maybe it's because drank the tropical iced tea at work. i'm just so awake. and starving but i'm too lazy to get something to eat. my tummy hurts a lot.

the sun is out. wow i can't believe i'm not tired. my eyes are tired but that's it. there's nothing on tv right now i'm sad. time won't go anytime faster. i'm suppose to be getting up at 8:30am anyways so i don't think i'm gonna sleep. i tried sleeping but it didn't work. yikes i have to drive to the beach today too :[ i don't have the best passenger either because i'm not that close to him but i'll ask him to continue to talk to me so i don't fall asleep or he can drive.

maybe it's karma for what's going on with my mom that i can't sleep. i may have been working myself hard and stressing out too much. ugh.
shit. i can't sleep at normal time periods. i can't eat. my stomach pains are getting worse. all i want to do is nothing but at the same time i want to be doing something.



fuck. this world is ridiculous.

ps my right nostril is clogged. wtf.
my hero. my stuck with best friend. my mom.

it hurts me to see her in so much pain. it's so scary how one can be fine one day and the next day one needs brain surgery.

my mother has suffered a brain hemorrhage, caused high blood pressure. it means her blood vessel popped in the brain. my father took her in after being unable to wake her up. she took the ambulance to the hospital and had to get taken in for brain surgery. it took over 3 hours. i was at work because my dad told me to go to work. i get the call at 8pm. everyone asking where am i? why am i not there? the drive there was horrible. i screamed and cried at cars to get out of my way. i drove like a maniac. i had an anxiety/panic attack when my cousin called me to see where i am and told me everything was gonna be okay.

the wait was the worst. steven came along. i love him so much more because he wanted to be there for me. we sat there and waited. family and relatives came. we sat and waited some more. my brother was upset because someone told him that my grandma was going to be okay at the same hospital and she never did make it (rip g'ma).

she made it through surgery and now she needs to be waken up to see if she's okay okay. her left side of the brain was the infected area. it controls the right side of her body and speech. i'm so scared for her. she loves dancing.

my mother has gone through so much. i've been very naive about everything she had to go through like being filthy poor that she ate once a day or while traveling to america for the first time she had to watch people suffer all around her even die next to her on the small boat. she still fears riding on a boat and the ocean. i miss her so much already and it's only been two days.

i'm still waiting for her to wake up. she's a strong lady, maybe too strong. hopefully she won't push herself too hard when she wakes up.

please when you see me, don't give me too much sympathy. i will cry and i don't want to cry anymore.

and thank you everyone who prayed for her health. i have the best friends in the world. i'm grateful for everything said and done. thank you.

me and people don't get along. i don't know how to be in a normal relationship with people because i don't have a normal relationship with my parents. i crave a lot of affection and attention because my parents felt it was inappropriate to give me the affection that i needed. i am a bit crazy when it comes to being a friend because i become attach so easily. i enjoy being needed. i love listening to others because i have nothing to say. yet my "neediness" have caused people to back away from me and it hurts. it hurts that i went through such bullshit with people and they won't admit to their mistakes. it hurts that i can't trust to tell you something like you can with me.

i don't try anymore to make friends. i don't bring up small chat because i hate the awkwardness. i'm bad at texting people back or picking up phone calls. i'm starting to feel the loneliness it has caused but i just don't like to be rejected. it's lonely.

on a lighter note, my brother just graduated. it brought back a lot of memories of high school. i miss graduation. it was so much fun because the class was small and everyone practically knew each other (sorta). i don't miss high school itself except for school being so much easier. the people at high school wasn't that great. maybe i just befriended the wrong people or people change. it happens. anywho, here's a lovely picture of my family.


when the regular customer who's known as a chubby chaser hits on you :]

ah i'm so mean. maybe that's why i never have it good. i do believe in karma in too hah, oh well. it's worth it.

life's a bore right now. i just want to be finish with finals. i have one more on thursday at 7am and i'm done! i have nothing plan that thursday. i'll probably go get wasted with like one beer. sounds good. what can i say? i'm a cheap date ;] buy me a draaaaank.
ahh i'm excited for summer! i shall do amazing things and enjoy every aspects of summer especially with stronger friendships and deleting useless people in my life. also, because i shall be TWENTY ONE. i will have the ability to go anywhere now with no problem. thank goodness. it feels like i'm the last one to turn 21 from the people i hang out with. haha i think i am actually but it's okay. time to party it up everyone.

see you guys around ;]
but first, i should study now for finals. yikes.