& so it begins

8/1/09 - 9/1/09 9/1/09 - 10/1/09 10/1/09 - 11/1/09 11/1/09 - 12/1/09 12/1/09 - 1/1/10 1/1/10 - 2/1/10 2/1/10 - 3/1/10 3/1/10 - 4/1/10 4/1/10 - 5/1/10 5/1/10 - 6/1/10 6/1/10 - 7/1/10 7/1/10 - 8/1/10 8/1/10 - 9/1/10 9/1/10 - 10/1/10 10/1/10 - 11/1/10 11/1/10 - 12/1/10 12/1/10 - 1/1/11 1/1/11 - 2/1/11 2/1/11 - 3/1/11 3/1/11 - 4/1/11 4/1/11 - 5/1/11 5/1/11 - 6/1/11 6/1/11 - 7/1/11 7/1/11 - 8/1/11 8/1/11 - 9/1/11 9/1/11 - 10/1/11 10/1/11 - 11/1/11 11/1/11 - 12/1/11 12/1/11 - 1/1/12 1/1/12 - 2/1/12 2/1/12 - 3/1/12 6/1/12 - 7/1/12 7/1/12 - 8/1/12 8/1/12 - 9/1/12 9/1/12 - 10/1/12 10/1/12 - 11/1/12 6/1/13 - 7/1/13 7/1/13 - 8/1/13 8/1/13 - 9/1/13 9/1/13 - 10/1/13 12/1/13 - 1/1/14 1/1/14 - 2/1/14 2/1/14 - 3/1/14 3/1/14 - 4/1/14 4/1/14 - 5/1/14

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i hate people, goodnight.
it pleases me to know that i have haters. i'm very enthusiastic. thank you. that means you must care a lot about me to spare precious time on me ;]

here's a picture of me just for you!



yeah me at 95 lbs :D
beyonce, lady gaga, and taylor swift.

as of right now i'm singing really loudly tracks from beyonce's cd while trying to finish up a lot of shit. haha i miss karaoke!

i'm getting fed up with people's insecurities. it's like i'm target practice for people to throw their harsh judgments at me either by what i do or what i say so that it boosts their self esteem. people just need to chill, no one has the time to care about what you do because they are busy caring about what you care about them. does that make sense? well yeah SUCK IT UP AND GET OUT OF MY FACE! or i shall disown you.
i miss feeling pretty. like natural pretty. i've been pounding down the make up to make me feel a little bit better about myself but it's not working. i hate my skin so much. why must it be so ugly and why must it take forever for it to heal?! i'm sad.

on a happier note, my lover booked the rooms for vegas! bad news, the lover's parents are going to vegas the SAME time we're going. hahaha greeeeat. hopefully not everyone flakes out to go to vegas.

chyeah, i need to shower. payyce.

PS spent $150 on bathing suits (plural!) on victoria's secret's online store. shiatz! just to get free 2 day shipping :[ i'm cuhrazy.
you say "let's hang out!" and "let's catch up!" but when we do it's awkward. i hate when people force a gathering just because they say they want to catch up. it's more like gossip time and discuss useless information. i would hang out with an old friend of mine and it would be so superficial. maybe because she's a bit superficial or the fact that at one point she ignored me and allowed people to talk shit even though we were suppose to be good friends. i don't want to say she was my best friend because i don't want to sound pathetic. it was a cruel year that year but i guess it made me stronger. it forced me to make new friends. friends that really do matter. it shouldn't be hard to have a normal conversation or find something to talk about. i'm getting tired of giving time to people who don't want my time or who doesn't care. i hate having to do all the work to being your friend. if we talk again i shall give you nothing of me nor will i care what you say. you never made a good friend anyway.
i like blogging because it helps me find myself. i think i'm gradually gonna be more personal since it is my blog and i don't think much people read it anyways.

my digestion problem is back and it hurts. i don't eat much anymore because of it. it really sucks. but then again i fear of gaining weight. as much as i want to gain weight, i also fear it because what if i gain weight in the wrong areas in which will be hard to lose later on. idk i'm crazy.

i can't get my mind to concentrate in school. i think i might fail my first class and have to retake it again. ugh i hate my brain. i think i fried it, i swear. i can't seem to keep anything in my long term memory. i miss when classes were easy. i think i'm just gonna take easy courses next quarter since i saved up a few GEs that i haven't taken.

i've been no mood to go out or hang out anywhere. i've been isolating myself and bumming it at home doing nothing. it's sad but i enjoy just not doing anything. hopefully my attitude will change once summer comes around.

i'm planning a trip to vegas. i have a feeling no one is gonna go. i hate making plans because i feel like i have no friends. i wish i was that person with a group of friends (especially girlfriends) but then again girls are so hard to be friends with. i still envy those who can do it. oh well. i still have steven.


my hair has been many colors. my first dye was big blonde highlights. my second red highlights over the blonde highlights. from then on i don't remember. i've done red, blue-black, light brown, dark reddish brown, and random streaks of blonde. i think my least favorite is having black hair. naturally i have dark brown hair but brown enough that you can tell it ain't black yo! haha it's interesting how hair color can make me look so different. i think the red makes me look very naughty haha. the darkbrown/black makes me look young. and my all time favorite light brown hair makes me look good. yup. i think i shall keep my light brown for awhile. :]
is the current time i have on my laptop. on thursday night, i worked as a server substituting for a coworker who wanted it off. i had a horrible time serving because my timing was off with the tables and everything was just a disaster. i made the less tip of course. i felt like sucha newbie.

that night, a regular came in. i knew he likes to talk a lot and flirt A LOT but i went over to say hi. bad idea. he flaunted at how much money he makes yet he doesn't want to stop working. he told me how he can get with so many women yet he can't find love. etc etc. then he questions my relationship with my boyfriend. he asked how long we dated and i told him almost five years. he replied back simply "that must mean you guys aren't in love anymore." rude much? i didn't appreciate him practically saying there's no such thing as love just because he hasn't found it. what grosses me out the most is that he thinks he has a chance with me even after i told him how old i was. i always joke about being a gold-digger but i can't do it so no thank you. sorry old men, if you're not attractive i'm not down.

there you have it, goodnight!
the other day in class my teacher told everyone to present what kind of experiment they had in their peer-reviewed paper. she already knew everyone's paper so i was nervous to present mine and i didn't want to be wrong. i was close to a nervous breakdown. my heartbeat went crazy and i was trembling. after i went, she okay-ed mine but i couldn't stop. i felt like shit the rest of the day.

the other night steven woke me up at 2am because i sent him an angry text. i woke up scared so my heartbeat was once again beating like crazy and it couldn't stop. i ending up sleeping at around 3:30am.

i have bad anxiety, nervous issues. maybe it's the lack of sleep and high stress levels. it sucks.

also, i'm having really bad sharp pains when i'm cramping after i eat. it's not pleasant and it makes me nervous. uggggh



meet louis and vuitton <3
i haven't taken so many pictures of myself in one day for a long time. haha it was fun doing the "myspace" angles again and then editing it with photoshop. i didn't have to brush out any acne marks for once haha (yes i "airbrush" my acne away).

i don't like petty conversations with classmates from previous classes. it's awkward and not needed. also i hate how small my world is at cal poly and the inland empire. i need to get out. i need new. i think i'm ready for change :] and that's a biggie.

because i look like a tall beast.

i freeeeeaking rule at beerpong. i just suck at drinking the beer.

-meesh
I'm content with my life,
even though i don't have thousands of friends.
even though my skin isn't perfect.
even though i failed my midterm.

i still have wonderful friends.
i have a loving boyfriend.
and my family is always there.

i don't care anymore because i'm happy with life right now.
might as well just take it in now before i'm pissed off again with the world.

-meesh.