& so it begins

8/1/09 - 9/1/09 9/1/09 - 10/1/09 10/1/09 - 11/1/09 11/1/09 - 12/1/09 12/1/09 - 1/1/10 1/1/10 - 2/1/10 2/1/10 - 3/1/10 3/1/10 - 4/1/10 4/1/10 - 5/1/10 5/1/10 - 6/1/10 6/1/10 - 7/1/10 7/1/10 - 8/1/10 8/1/10 - 9/1/10 9/1/10 - 10/1/10 10/1/10 - 11/1/10 11/1/10 - 12/1/10 12/1/10 - 1/1/11 1/1/11 - 2/1/11 2/1/11 - 3/1/11 3/1/11 - 4/1/11 4/1/11 - 5/1/11 5/1/11 - 6/1/11 6/1/11 - 7/1/11 7/1/11 - 8/1/11 8/1/11 - 9/1/11 9/1/11 - 10/1/11 10/1/11 - 11/1/11 11/1/11 - 12/1/11 12/1/11 - 1/1/12 1/1/12 - 2/1/12 2/1/12 - 3/1/12 6/1/12 - 7/1/12 7/1/12 - 8/1/12 8/1/12 - 9/1/12 9/1/12 - 10/1/12 10/1/12 - 11/1/12 6/1/13 - 7/1/13 7/1/13 - 8/1/13 8/1/13 - 9/1/13 9/1/13 - 10/1/13 12/1/13 - 1/1/14 1/1/14 - 2/1/14 2/1/14 - 3/1/14 3/1/14 - 4/1/14 4/1/14 - 5/1/14

i don't know how i get here but i just got hit with depression. i guess that's how depression works, it just appears out of thin air with no reason. maybe because my parents didn't have christmas spirit this year so we have no christmas tree or decorations up and that they are ditching my brothers and i every holiday like thanksgiving. i think they are going through a mid life crisis in which they are having too much fun with their friends who don't have kids to worry about. i don't mind, my mom has been going through a lot with deaths of her brother and mother while my dad as to watch out for her. also, i haven't been the greatest daughter in the world. i would label myself number 3 in my parents' hearts out of 3 kids lol. it's okay i was the first child, the experiment of it all. another reason why i must be depress is my insecurities with people. i feel like i'm the most hated on person at work and i think it's getting to me. i know i shouldn't care what other people think but it's hard. i don't know what to do with myself. also, i'm insecure about the way i look right now. i can help but feel so ugly every time my mom complains about my acne and everyone asking me what happened to my face. it's sucha downer. i'm sucha downer.
i would like congratulate myself as not failing this quarter. i might not get any Cs this quarter. what a great but hard quarter. i haven't study so hard since forever. it's kinda sad that i haven't worked so hard for school in the first place. well now time to relax :D
what itches my shopping addict? when others dress better than me. when they have the outfit i would want to wear. it's worst when she's your friend who wears the same size but you're not close enough to just borrow her clothes. i always feel like i have to one up everyone when it comes to fashion senses but it's hard to do with this fashion model friend of mine. sigh. i hate feeling outdated in clothes. i hate feeling ugly. it's the insecure side of me.

why am i addicted to shopping? maybe because my mother is also a brand name junkie (haha junkie) who's main objective is to buy wonderfully gorgeous shoes that i could NEVER squeeze my feet into. it pains me when she buys these shoes and never wear them. or maybe because that's how i fit myself into society. if i didn't have fashion, i'd be that awkward girl who no one would ever want to talk to. i guess it makes it easier for people to talk to someone who dresses nice.

i really need to shop. i really do. i get up every morning not knowing what to wear and wanting to wear the same thing over again. it's just how i am. it's in my blood. i don't think i could ever give up shopping unless i was really low in money.

is it sad that i am sucha shopaholic? no, because i never put myself in debt when shopping. people may see me as if i shop all my money away but i don't. it relaxes me. everyone has some sort of addiction to one thing. i'll just admit it right now to mine. shopping.