& so it begins

8/1/09 - 9/1/09 9/1/09 - 10/1/09 10/1/09 - 11/1/09 11/1/09 - 12/1/09 12/1/09 - 1/1/10 1/1/10 - 2/1/10 2/1/10 - 3/1/10 3/1/10 - 4/1/10 4/1/10 - 5/1/10 5/1/10 - 6/1/10 6/1/10 - 7/1/10 7/1/10 - 8/1/10 8/1/10 - 9/1/10 9/1/10 - 10/1/10 10/1/10 - 11/1/10 11/1/10 - 12/1/10 12/1/10 - 1/1/11 1/1/11 - 2/1/11 2/1/11 - 3/1/11 3/1/11 - 4/1/11 4/1/11 - 5/1/11 5/1/11 - 6/1/11 6/1/11 - 7/1/11 7/1/11 - 8/1/11 8/1/11 - 9/1/11 9/1/11 - 10/1/11 10/1/11 - 11/1/11 11/1/11 - 12/1/11 12/1/11 - 1/1/12 1/1/12 - 2/1/12 2/1/12 - 3/1/12 6/1/12 - 7/1/12 7/1/12 - 8/1/12 8/1/12 - 9/1/12 9/1/12 - 10/1/12 10/1/12 - 11/1/12 6/1/13 - 7/1/13 7/1/13 - 8/1/13 8/1/13 - 9/1/13 9/1/13 - 10/1/13 12/1/13 - 1/1/14 1/1/14 - 2/1/14 2/1/14 - 3/1/14 3/1/14 - 4/1/14 4/1/14 - 5/1/14

i rather have a pizza face than cottage cheese ass. pizza face as in acne and cottage cheese as in cellulite. why would i say such a thing? because i think someone compared me as a person to their huge ass. it's okay though because i'm not offended. i rather be me than that ass.

i don't know why i can't carry a friendship. like i've said, i am more of a loner. i think it's because i'm different but i try so hard to be the same. i don't think i've ever been myself with anyone. i've given bits and pieces to different individuals but not me as a whole. maybe the closest person to actually know me is my boyfriend. that's how it's suppose to be right? except when something goes wrong with the relationship but i highly doubt that. anyways, i don't know how to maintain a friend. i unintentionally push people away. it's hard. as a child, i've been used as a friend. used to look over homework or test answers. used for my cool toys. used for the comfort of others. friendship shouldn't be so hard but i make it to be. i perceive people to think negative about me when i first met people. it's just how i work. my mother always told me that whenever someone complimented me, it was all a lie. that no one would compliment me about this or that. it was harsh but it made me to not be so conceited but then it lead me to think that people just constantly lie to me. meeeeh.

as for relationship, we finally get each other. i know i've complained and bitch a lot about him but we now understand how we work. after all that pointless arguments, we know what to say or what not to say and when to say it. i guess we've just grown up in the relationship. i mean our relationship in the beginning was like the artificial boyfriend girlfriend high school nonsense where it was all just attraction or even to get others jealous. it sucks just thinking about how i was seconds to this bitch but that will be another story. we've build and now we have succeeded :] i'm sucha loser just writing about it but i really am happy. i can say our relationship is stable and that we don't want to stay together because we've been together for so long but because we want to be together. and that's that.
i owe a blog. it shall come promise.
i have been unable to sleep stress-free. my back has been aching, i get too hot or too cold in my blanket, and i'm getting sick so i have this massive headache and a stuffy nose. my dad just fed me medicine (haha i'm sucha daddy's girl) he even fixed my squeaky door that has been bothering me for the longest time.

i feel like a failure in school. all my grades have been horrible but the curve in those classes are ridiculous. i think i'm just not use to getting such low scores. it scares me but whatever.

i recently talked to someone from the past. i still can't help but resent her but i guess it doesn't hurt to small talk. it just seems like she always has something up her sleeve so my guard is up. it was nice to talk to someone different. i don't know if i can ever have the courage to hang out with her in real life. i still picture her being the bitch who enjoys watching people suffer physically or emotionally.

my grandparents room is empty. i don't think my grandfather can handle living there anymore so he's never home. it's just so weird. no one goes in there or touches anything. i get scared going around there because i believe my grandmother would try to contact me or something. yes i believe in ghosts.

i've been fighting my acne and i am losing. why must my skin hate me so much? it's so embarrassing. i feel so self conscious and ugly like i don't have the courage to go out. i want to be pretty again. i rather gain weight and have gorgeous skin. let me gain 10 lbs and lose my acne. :[

i'm becoming addicted to lady gaga. if i was a famous singer/actress or whatnot i think i would do the crazy fashion like she does. it just looks so much fun. she's very talented minus the fun outfits. i want to go to her concert, someone go with me and dress crazy forreals?

i feel so isolated from social gatherings. i feel so awkward and i feel like i don't belong. i've made some new friends yet i get this feeling that i just don't belong. i'm like that loner who tries too hard to have friends. i don't know maybe i just overthink situations but sigh. i was never good at socializing.

this blog was overdue so i decided to write whatever is on my mind so tah dah! hopefully someone will enjoy reading this haha
i think i'm giving up drinking. my allergic reaction is growing too strong and fast to the alcohol. i was even unable to keep one drink in me so that's that. what sucks is what happens when it's vegas time for my 21st birthday. i will puke to death and die. haha

i'm sad that not a lot of people are keeping up with their blog :[ i enjoy reading about everyone's lives. do tell your stories because mine are so plain.

i should be studying. i got a few extra days in for this midterm yet i haven't budge on studying. shit. i have no motivation and i'm nervous about closing in on college. i don't want to deal with reapplying to graduate school and getting rejected. i don't want to write an essay on why i should get into their school and ask professors to write about me. ugh. i'm nervous