& so it begins

8/1/09 - 9/1/09 9/1/09 - 10/1/09 10/1/09 - 11/1/09 11/1/09 - 12/1/09 12/1/09 - 1/1/10 1/1/10 - 2/1/10 2/1/10 - 3/1/10 3/1/10 - 4/1/10 4/1/10 - 5/1/10 5/1/10 - 6/1/10 6/1/10 - 7/1/10 7/1/10 - 8/1/10 8/1/10 - 9/1/10 9/1/10 - 10/1/10 10/1/10 - 11/1/10 11/1/10 - 12/1/10 12/1/10 - 1/1/11 1/1/11 - 2/1/11 2/1/11 - 3/1/11 3/1/11 - 4/1/11 4/1/11 - 5/1/11 5/1/11 - 6/1/11 6/1/11 - 7/1/11 7/1/11 - 8/1/11 8/1/11 - 9/1/11 9/1/11 - 10/1/11 10/1/11 - 11/1/11 11/1/11 - 12/1/11 12/1/11 - 1/1/12 1/1/12 - 2/1/12 2/1/12 - 3/1/12 6/1/12 - 7/1/12 7/1/12 - 8/1/12 8/1/12 - 9/1/12 9/1/12 - 10/1/12 10/1/12 - 11/1/12 6/1/13 - 7/1/13 7/1/13 - 8/1/13 8/1/13 - 9/1/13 9/1/13 - 10/1/13 12/1/13 - 1/1/14 1/1/14 - 2/1/14 2/1/14 - 3/1/14 3/1/14 - 4/1/14 4/1/14 - 5/1/14

i can't seem to remember small things. my mind drifts in and out, while i get the sensation of lightheadness. i hate it. i can't remember what i did when i finally saw lawrence this summer or when i'm at work, i just head towards an area, not remembering why i was heading there. it's like i can only track one thing, my brain hates me. i haven't slept enough because i have become insomianic like my boyfriend but not as bad as his. it's like i stress over stressing and so i can't sleep and/or i slept too much one day so i'm off the next. i don't know, i hate it. and knowing that i stress over nothing, made me stress more because school is coming. the past two quarters i have been taking afternoon to night classes and now i'm taking mostly morning classes. i don't know if i can handle morning classes. my body will hate me. i hate my body. like i said before, my body is weak. it can't handle me not sleeping much for one day. i end up with a bad stomache the whole day and the worst migrain. it sucks being skinny sometimes. my body is using too much energy too fast and i can't keep up.

tonight, i cried at work. it happens a lot with me. i cry easily. crying makes me feel little and i hate feeling belittled. i get extremely embarrass when i cry too. i hate it when my eyes tear and everyone can tell that "you're crying" and they ask that stupid question "are you okay? what's wrong? why are you crying?" please don't do that. it makes me cry more. also, once the tears come, it won't stop. i also can't talk when i cry. i make a weird high pitch noise instead of words. the thing about me is that i cry when i'm super angry. what is wrong with me? i feel stupid just talking about it. i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm just weak. weak weak weak.