& so it begins

8/1/09 - 9/1/09 9/1/09 - 10/1/09 10/1/09 - 11/1/09 11/1/09 - 12/1/09 12/1/09 - 1/1/10 1/1/10 - 2/1/10 2/1/10 - 3/1/10 3/1/10 - 4/1/10 4/1/10 - 5/1/10 5/1/10 - 6/1/10 6/1/10 - 7/1/10 7/1/10 - 8/1/10 8/1/10 - 9/1/10 9/1/10 - 10/1/10 10/1/10 - 11/1/10 11/1/10 - 12/1/10 12/1/10 - 1/1/11 1/1/11 - 2/1/11 2/1/11 - 3/1/11 3/1/11 - 4/1/11 4/1/11 - 5/1/11 5/1/11 - 6/1/11 6/1/11 - 7/1/11 7/1/11 - 8/1/11 8/1/11 - 9/1/11 9/1/11 - 10/1/11 10/1/11 - 11/1/11 11/1/11 - 12/1/11 12/1/11 - 1/1/12 1/1/12 - 2/1/12 2/1/12 - 3/1/12 6/1/12 - 7/1/12 7/1/12 - 8/1/12 8/1/12 - 9/1/12 9/1/12 - 10/1/12 10/1/12 - 11/1/12 6/1/13 - 7/1/13 7/1/13 - 8/1/13 8/1/13 - 9/1/13 9/1/13 - 10/1/13 12/1/13 - 1/1/14 1/1/14 - 2/1/14 2/1/14 - 3/1/14 3/1/14 - 4/1/14 4/1/14 - 5/1/14

i already hate my haircut but i was tired of having long hair. i find myself hideously skinny when i look through pictures yet i'm afraid to move up a size in clothes. my skin is horrible. my closet is full of clothes i do not want to wear. i don't want to work but i don't want to go to school. i don't want to do anything yet i hate doing nothing. yikes. i should sleep especially since i have to be up at 6am so that i'm ready by 7am to leave for school for my first class at 7:45am. goodnight.
imagine everyone you speak to as if you will never be able to speak to again. would you think the world would be a nicer place? i would like to think i would remain the same. i once thought about leaving a will and what i would write in it. i would write out everything like how i hated a certain person or how much a whore another was hoping they would hear it at the funeral. i know it's wrong socially to think about your own funeral but i just can't help it. is it cause i don't fear it? i don't know. i just want people to know what i want when i do die. i want a colorful funeral. haha it's very me, you know, to want sucha crazy thing. i can already picture who would wear black because they're "hard headed" and "old fashion" or because they never cared what i want because the world revolved around them. you might ask why i am talking about this because it's crazy and random. it's because i just watched grey's anatomy and it got me thinking. so there, this blog was suppose to be saying one thing but it just ended up another. let's just be cautious (is that the word? my mind is gone because of the lack of sleep from all the morning classes i have) of what we say to others. even if they're fat, ugly, stupid, and can't drive, sometimes it's not worth hurting someone else. that and they already know that they're fat, ugly, stupid, and can't drive. :]
i can't seem to remember small things. my mind drifts in and out, while i get the sensation of lightheadness. i hate it. i can't remember what i did when i finally saw lawrence this summer or when i'm at work, i just head towards an area, not remembering why i was heading there. it's like i can only track one thing, my brain hates me. i haven't slept enough because i have become insomianic like my boyfriend but not as bad as his. it's like i stress over stressing and so i can't sleep and/or i slept too much one day so i'm off the next. i don't know, i hate it. and knowing that i stress over nothing, made me stress more because school is coming. the past two quarters i have been taking afternoon to night classes and now i'm taking mostly morning classes. i don't know if i can handle morning classes. my body will hate me. i hate my body. like i said before, my body is weak. it can't handle me not sleeping much for one day. i end up with a bad stomache the whole day and the worst migrain. it sucks being skinny sometimes. my body is using too much energy too fast and i can't keep up.

tonight, i cried at work. it happens a lot with me. i cry easily. crying makes me feel little and i hate feeling belittled. i get extremely embarrass when i cry too. i hate it when my eyes tear and everyone can tell that "you're crying" and they ask that stupid question "are you okay? what's wrong? why are you crying?" please don't do that. it makes me cry more. also, once the tears come, it won't stop. i also can't talk when i cry. i make a weird high pitch noise instead of words. the thing about me is that i cry when i'm super angry. what is wrong with me? i feel stupid just talking about it. i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm just weak. weak weak weak.
i feel like sucha weaksauce. i had to go to the doctors for this weird arm numbness pain and it was from serving. i also had the same weird sensation on my left leg so i had to take blood tests to check it out. they took so much blood that i feel queezy and threw up nothing because it was early in the morning and i haven't ate yet. my arm is still hurting after a few days. i don't know what to do. the doctor gave me some meds for the arm and it's making me feel sleepy and hungry all the time. i've been bumming it today sleeping in til 1, ate lunch with steven (3 slices of lg pizza, which is 1 more slice than steven), then napped again for an hour, and went home. now i'm just drowsy and louging around. i think i may put a movie on and nap again lol. i hate feeling so meh. i wanna be out. out out out. no ones free today to keep me company, i'm sad. it's weird having the weekend off because i rarely get it off unless its for vacay. meh. that's all.
i've been meaning to write on here with multiple things in mind. first off, for three nights in a row i could not easily fall asleep because my back ached the whole time and i woke up with a cramp neck. i also lost weight. i lost 5 pounds. i would say it is from working and having the worst pms in the world. i hate working full time. i seriously stress way too easily.

second, i don't understand why i attract guys. haha i find it so odd. i would say my looks help a lot for my poor personality. it's kinda sad. if i had the same personality as i do now but in a fat person's body, i would be that annoying fat girl who tries too hard to be cool. maybe that's why people didn't like me much during high school. not that i was fat, but cause i was awkward looking. i really don't know what i'm talking about but my looks do not match who i am. i hate how i give off that impression that i'm a crazy party girl who's super outgoing, etc but i really am not. i don't like social outings, i don't have many friends, i rather be alone in my own thoughts.

third, i forgot. i think i am losing my mind or i have the worst memory ever.

fourth, i would like to bitch about incompetent people. seriously, how can you work at a place for over a year and still do not know how to do your job. also, why do fat people think it's okay to wear skanky clothes when normal size people can't even wear it out. also, going to school for hair and nails cannot be that difficult. i'm frustrated with dumb people.

so i can't think anymore, i'm going to bed. goodnight.